RIYADH — In a stunning escalation that has left the PGA Tour board staring blankly into their macallan-and-seltzers, multiple prominent LIV golfers announced today that they will completely reject the proposed historic "golf unification truce." Instead, they have formally enlisted as active-duty personnel in the Saudi Armed Forces.

The shock announcement was delivered via a lavishly orchestrated press conference held in an air-conditioned luxury bunker just outside Riyadh. Flanked by a pair of pristine camouflage-wrapped golf carts equipped with anti-aircraft mounts, a cadre of golf's elite explained that the transition from professional athletics to active military deployment was "logically, financially, and spiritually the next step."

Adjusting the pristine double-admiral epaulets pinned to his desert-camo polo, Patrick Reed delivered the news in his signature composed manner. “Look, His Excellency offered us direct commissions into the Royal Saudi Air Force, full tactical command of a squadron of multi-role fighter jets, and guaranteed Fridays off. Honestly, dodging actual flak in a fighter jet feels a lot safer than facing a press conference about where our money came from.”

When asked how the players felt about the escalating tensions in the Straight of Hormuz, they noted that it did factor in their decision, but it was not enough to change their mind. After being told he would granted anonymity, a player admitted “if given the choice between defending my (new) homeland and facing Jay Monahan, I am telling you, it is a no-brainer.”

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